The Cag - siren_icons

New Fic - Lee/Helo (Yep, I wrote slash!) - 'Impulse'

Written for the ShAgathon.

I wrote for alizarin_nyc
Her request: Helo/Lee.
The prompt: Lee feels guilty when he hurts people, even when he can’t help it.
No Restrictions
And handwaving of Sharon was allowed (I did a half wave ;)

As for other relavent details.....

Title: Impulse
Spoilers: Only up to 'Black Market'
Rating: NC-17
Many, many thanks to: My most excellent beta, k_julia, who makes me look good and worked around my crazy schedule these past couple weeks. beccatoria for when I was on the verge of flailing helped give me an idea. And she's never had porn dedicated to her before. ;) Finally, brynnmck, sdwolfpup, and danceswithwords who instead of watching a certain Mountie helped hash out, um, plot points with me. Brynn, I even think I used one of your lines. ;)
Feedback: Yes, please! Especially if you spot any pronoun troubles. :)

“It’s not that serious, sir.” Helo sat at the entrance of the raptor, back resting against the frame. He stared up at the ceiling of the docking bay and contemplated how good it would be to get out of his flight suit and unwind after this, their sixth supply run of the day. He knew with everything he’d been through as of late he should appreciate the tedium of the work, but it almost seemed more draining than trying to dodge the Cylons. The sound of a panel being opened caused him to look down, and he saw Lee lying under the raptor.

“You said you heard a noise,” Lee shouted up to him.

Helo sighed and shook his head. Suddenly, his little plan seemed like far more trouble than it was worth. He’d figured he’d get them grounded for a few hours, take a look around Cloud Nine, maybe grab a drink and relax for a bit. Now he had Lee consumed with finding the source of a phantom noise. Either Helo had to confess what he was up to and raise the ire of his already prickly captain or find a way to make Lee see he was making too much of it.

“I said there was a rattle in the rear of the ship, I’m sure it was just the supplies. And you know the Chief. No way he’d let this bird off Galactica if it wasn’t up to his standards.”

Lee got back to his feet and looked tenser than any man should in this situation. “We’ve been out all day in this thing. Between the debris floating around out there and that idiot in the transport who backed into us, who knows what damage was done?” He took a few steps forward and with a glare that might have frozen a Cylon in their tracks said, “You wanna die in some accident that could have been prevented, Lieutenant?”

Now it was Helo’s turn to tense up. Lee knew Helo had more experience in raptors and would know when there was cause for concern. Whatever it was that was pissing Lee off this time, Helo told himself he should probably just shut up and stay out of it. But if he could manage to get Lee to share what it was that was eating at him, it would probably benefit the entire Galactica crew.

Helo took a deep breath and calmly replied, “No, sir. Maybe we should have a fresh pair of eyes take a look at her.” He gestured over to a couple of deckhands playing cards on some nearby storage containers.

Lee didn’t look as if he was about to relent to Helo’s suggestion so he decided an incentive might help. “While they’re giving the ship a once over, we can grab a drink. Whatever the bars are serving here has to be better than the Chief’s home brew.”

“We’re on duty and expected back soon.”

“And you just said it wasn’t safe to fly this thing.”

Helo caught a flicker of surprise cross Lee’s face, but Lee quickly managed to find an excuse. “And if you’re right, we should be out of here in an hour.” He picked up his clip board and scribbled down some notes before continuing, “Besides, I don’t have any money.”

“I do. It’ll be my treat.” Lee looked back up at him, more exasperated than angry this time. Helo could tell Lee was close to relenting, he just needed one final push. Helo chose the pity angle. “Come on, Captain, give a guy a break. I haven’t had leave since returning to the fleet, least you could do is let me take a look around this place. Isn’t the CAG supposed to look out for the welfare of his men?”

Lee opened his mouth as if to offer up another protest, but abruptly stopped, shook his head and muttered, “Fine. Maybe a drink would help.” Then he tossed his clipboard into the raptor and walked over to the deckhands.

Helo was still at a loss as to what war Lee was fighting this day, but at least he had won this battle.


They found a wireless station outside the bar. Lee needed to place a call to CIC to advise them of their delayed return. By the tone of Lee’s voice, it didn’t take long for Helo to figure out it was Tigh at the other end of the line.

“I know when we’re due to report back…as soon as it’s cleared by…Look, I don’t feel comfortable putting the raptor back in the air right now.” There was a long moment of silence and Helo could see Lee growing angrier by the second. “Fine. I can have the ship up in fifteen. And if something happens to us on the way back you can be the one to inform my father that he’s lost his other son. I’m sure he’ll appreciate the irony.”

There was another long pause; perhaps Tigh was as stunned as Helo. Finally Lee replied, “That’s what I thought, sir. You know where to find me if there’s an emergency.” With that he slammed the receiver down, his hand so tightly gripped around it that his knuckles had turned white.

Helo watched Lee struggle to steady his breathing and bring his emotions back in check. Just above the collar of Lee’s flight suit, Helo could see the artery in Lee’s neck fiercely pumping. And if not for the noise of the crowds he bet he could even hear Lee’s heart beating in his chest. It wasn’t unusual to see Lee this heated, but not over something as routine as a status report.

The prolonged silence was starting to make Helo uncomfortable and he decided to break it with some gentle humor. “Tigh wasn’t too happy I take it?”

Lee shook his head. “No, he wasn’t. He was going on about dereliction of duty and making excuses.” Then Lee abruptly snickered at some joke unknown to Helo. “Ellen’s probably off to parts unknown with parts unknown tonight.” He moved back from the wall and gestured with his head towards the nearest bar. “Come on.”

The bar was one of the nicer ones on Cloud Nine. The wood bar, leather seats, crystal light fixtures, and tables aligned neatly throughout the place gave it an air of being an establishment popular with the upper class prior to the attacks. It didn’t seem like it suited either of them right now. “Are you sure about this one?” Helo asked. “My money probably won’t go very far. There was that other one we passed on the way here.” The other bar had looked a little seedy, but nothing the two of them couldn’t handle.

“I can’t go in there,” Lee snapped.

“What do you mean you ‘can’t’?” Lee shot Helo a glare that told him to back off. “Fine, whatever, man.”

They took two seats at the bar. Helo got the attention of the bartender and after a few questions, pointed to bottle on a shelf directly opposite him. After pouring them both a drink, the bartender moved to take the bottle back, but Helo signaled for him to leave it. He hoped enough alcohol would help Lee to relax. He was used to Lee being tightly wound - from his experience it almost seemed like a prerequisite to being the CAG - but Lee was coming dangerously close to losing it on duty and that wasn’t like him.

After a drink and a few moments of relative calm, Helo attempted to find out what was going on. “Can I ask about the raptor? I don’t mean to question your judgment, but you seemed overly cautious back there. I thought all you viper jocks lived for danger and flying on the edge.” He smiled as he said it, but Lee remained stone faced.

“It’s one thing to risk your own life, it’s another to risk someone else’s because you didn’t question, didn’t speak up.” He downed the rest of his drink in one swallow and reached for the bottle.

Either Helo was succeeding in getting Lee to lower his guard or Lee actually wanted to talk. It was time to take a more direct approach. “Listen, Lee, we’ve had our differences...”

Lee turned to him, eyebrow raised, and laughed. It was good to hear Lee laugh and Helo had to smile in acknowledgment of his understatement. They had come a long way since Helo was forced to point a gun at Lee’s head. Helo brushed aside the thought to focus on more recent history. “On Pegasus, you stood by me and the chief. You listened, you cared, and if there’s something you need to talk about now…”

Lee stopped laughing and turned away from Helo back towards the bar. He stared at himself in the mirror across from them for several seconds before having to avert his eyes. He threw back his third drink and then asked, “You know what today is, Karl?”

Helo realized he didn’t. Since Caprica, he’d stopped keeping track. “Can’t say that I do.”

“Three years ago today, Zak died.”

With that statement, the pieces fell into place. Kara hadn’t shared all the details, but Helo knew Zak had been killed in a training accident, specifically, a flight training accident. And Helo had to make that stupid remark about hearing a noise, just to get a little break. Frak.

“Sorry, man, I didn’t know.”

“Yeah, it’s just down to three of us really remembering now.”

It dawned on Helo that the other two were probably sharing stories, giving each other support right now, and because of him Lee was stuck grieving with a guy he could have killed a couple months ago. “Listen, we can go back. You can be with the admiral and Kara. That noise I said I heard…”

“I requested this flight,” Lee stated coolly. “Some wounds never completely heal. It’s better if we don’t see each other today.” Lee poured himself another drink, swirled the dark liquid in his glass as a small, bitter laugh escaped his lips. “It’s actually kind of fitting, not speaking to each other today. If one of us had spoken up back then, done the right thing by Zak, maybe…then again, he probably just would have died with everyone else on Caprica.”

Helo thought maybe it was best they didn’t return to Galactica that night. His only reason for wanting to get back would be to see Sharon and she’d likely be asleep by now. Even if she wasn’t, things had been uneasy between them since Adama had tried to carry out the president’s order to abort their child. Lee was at least willing to talk to him right now; it would be nice to do someone some good.

“Why don’t I see if they have any rooms available for the night? Even if the raptor checks out, I don’t think you’re in any shape to fly her.”

Helo expected an argument, Lee telling him that he was fine and perfectly capable to doing his job. Instead, he got the weak response, “I doubt they’ll have anything on such short notice.”

Helo shrugged. “Won’t hurt to ask. Worst case scenario, we bunk in the raptor tonight.”


It was easier than he expected to get a room. The uniform helped, as did the fact that rooms with beds barely wider than a cot weren’t popular with guests seeking a little recreational activity. Helo stretched out as much as possible on the small bed, feeling better after stripping out of his uniform and getting a hot shower. The sound of the running water from Lee’s turn in the shower was lulling him to sleep. He’d been in there awhile, but Helo thought it might be a good thing, the time alone giving him the opportunity to clear his head. Or maybe get deeper into it. He decided he’d better check on him.

He knocked at the door. No response. He tried joking with him to get a reaction. “Hey, Lee, I think some other folks on this floor may want to use the water tonight.” Still not a word. He decided to see for himself what was going on in there. Just as he opened the door he witnessed Lee’s fist making contact with the tile.

“Frak, what’s the matter with you?” Helo pulled the shower curtain all the way back and took Lee’s hand to examine it. There was no obvious sign of damage. “Can you move it?” Lee gingerly flexed his hand. He didn’t wince in pain and Helo couldn’t see that any bones were broken. “What the frak were you thinking? We’re short enough on viper pilots and you nearly ground yourself.”

Lee looked up at him and though he attempted to smile, Helo still could see the sadness in his eyes. “I don’t know. I guess I thought it would help me focus on something else.”

“There are other ways to go about that without hurting yourself.”

“Yeah,” was all Lee said before turning back to the shower wall, his head falling forward to allow the hot water to run over him. Lee’s hand still remained in Helo’s and Helo was unsure if Lee was even aware of it. Helo brushed his thumb across the knuckles, drawn to do it for some unknown reason, and, in response, Lee’s hand wrapped around his.

The gesture should have surprised Helo, definitely made him pull away, but he found he wanted to make greater contact. He brought his left hand to Lee’s shoulder and slid his fingertips over Lee’s wet skin until they met the base of his neck. He played with the hair at the nape for a moment before extending his fingers around the tense muscle. Lee let his head fall forward further and sighed as Helo began to gently massage his neck, helping to ease some of the tension from Lee’s body.

When Helo moved his hand to lightly trace a line along Lee’s vertebrae, Lee arched his back in response, causing Helo to stop what he was doing. His hand rested on Lee’s waist, his fingers spread out along the top of Lee’s ass. Helo waited for Lee to ask what the frak he was doing, he wasn’t certain himself, but, instead, Lee reacted by pushing back into his palm, moaning softly at the increased contact, and gripping more tightly onto Helo’s hand. Helo wondered how much further to take this and didn’t have long to wait for an answer.

Lee pulled Helo’s hand down and skimmed it across his erection, showing Helo what he had been doing to him. Tentatively, Helo wrapped his fingers around the hard length and Lee began to guide his movements. It was slow caresses and gentle squeezes at first, but Lee soon was thrusting forcefully into their intertwined hands. When Helo slid his hand lower and took hold of Lee’s balls, Lee let out a loud gasp.

Though it was obvious what Lee wanted, Helo worried that Lee would only end up carrying around more guilt once his head cleared. But they had gone so far already and Lee would probably be pissed off at him if he stopped. Plus, Helo had his own throbbing erection to deal with and it had been a long time since he enjoyed the feel of someone else’s body. He let the towel he was wearing drop to the floor and moved into the shower to stand behind Lee. He dug his fingers into Lee’s hip and steadied him as he moved closer to rub his erection against the firm muscle of Lee’s back. Lee met his motions, the contact and friction making Helo hiss in response.

As Helo tried to clear his mind, not think too much about what he was doing and who he was doing it with, Lee suddenly pushed back from the wall, moving them both out of the spray. Lee then positioned himself so a certain part of his anatomy aligned with the head of Helo’s cock – something Helo had been trying to avoid.

Helo froze. What they were doing was intense and insane already, yet they could still rationalize it. Lee was seeking some comfort. Both were lonely and had been drinking. Throw in a little sexual frustration and they got caught up in the moment. But penetration was another matter. It wasn’t that he hadn’t done it before with women, but it had been something planned and very intimate. And how could he sit in the next pilots meeting knowing his CAG had offered to take it up the ass from him?

Helo took in a deep breath and pulled back just enough to break contact with Lee’s body. He let go of Lee’s cock and slid his hand across Lee’s stomach, up his back, and to his shoulder. Leaning forward, he quietly said, “I don’t need this.”

Lee turned his head back and Helo watched Lee’s expression shift from frustration to confusion to what he saw as amusement. Lee moved his head a bit more and replied, “Who said this was about what you need?”

Then Lee reached for the soap dish and placed the soap in Helo’s hand. Helo felt his heart race in his chest; the muscles in his abdomen tighten. Lee really wanted this, maybe even needed it, and even though Helo considered the pleasure to be had from Lee’s tight ass around his cock, he tried to come up with a reason to stop.

“Hey, what we’ve been doing, it feels good and,” he looked at the bar soap and then at Lee, “I don’t like to cause pain.”

Lee looked past his shoulder again, smiled, and gestured towards the soap. “It will work. Trust me.”

Helo swallowed hard. He realized he was learning a lot about Lee Adama tonight. Lee was clear as to what he wanted and Helo’s throbbing cock seemed to know what it wanted, too. Helo ran the soap under the water and began to lather them both up. He placed the soap back in the dish then moved to slip a finger into Lee; the ring of muscle immediately contracting around it. Once Helo’s finger began to move easily in and out of Lee, he added a second finger and watched as Lee eagerly moved back and forth, driving himself towards release.

Lee turned his head to Helo once more. “Come on, just do it. Don’t want to have to jack off in your hand, do you?”

Helo pulled his fingers out and took hold of his cock, placing it at the tight ring of muscle. He pushed forward slowly. He didn’t want to hurt Lee, but he also wanted to prolong the pleasure as long as possible. Lee let out a choked cry and tensed in response to Helo entering him. Then Lee suddenly thrust his hips back until almost all of Helo’s cock was in him.

Every nerve in Helo’s body was on edge as he began to drive into Lee. Lee started to stroke himself again and Helo moved his hand down to help him. Helo focused on the head, drawing the first drop of sticky fluid from Lee, while Lee worked the base. Helo still wanted to take his time, enjoy the feel of skin sliding against skin, the intense pressure, and the throaty grunts and “gods, yes” coming from Lee. But Lee suddenly sucked in a deep breath and his body stilled; muscles contracted around Helo’s cock and ejaculate spurted onto his hand. A moment later, Helo began to shake from his own release. He thrust wildly a few times until he was spent and collapsed against Lee’s back.

His body still recovering, he placed a few light kisses upon Lee’s shoulder and neck, enjoying the feel of the soft skin under his lips. They stood there, gasping for breath, Lee’s softened cock still in Helo’s hand, until Lee took a step forward to straighten up and forced them to break apart.

Helo grabbed the soap again to clean himself off and then handed it to Lee, who did the same. After tossing the soap in the dish and turning off the water, Lee finally turned around to face Helo. He just stood and stared at him with those piercing blue eyes. Helo didn’t know if it was the color or the intensity that had the ability to cut a man or woman to the quick while also making them unable to look away. And then there were Lee’s lips, slightly parted as he still worked to catch his breath.

Lee stepped forward, slid his hand up Helo’s chest to his neck, and pulled him down for a kiss. It was sweet and gentle and only lasted a couple of seconds. It also felt a lot like those kisses he received from exes, the ones that wanted to stay friends. When Lee pulled back and released him, his expression was soft though not revealing. Steeping out of the shower he said, “There’s nothing to talk about, right? We both know what this was.”

Helo just nodded in agreement. It really was simple in some ways. Lee needed to forget, to feel something, anything else, and, well, Helo was able to give the comfort he longed to give someone else, but wasn’t able.

“Yeah, I know.”

Then Lee gave him a gentle jab to the shoulder and walked out into the bedroom. Helo finished drying himself off before following him. When he entered the room, Lee already seemed to be asleep. Helo lay down in the other bed and turned to shut off the light. He stared at Lee for a moment; he looked peaceful. Maybe he was for the moment, maybe Helo had helped him. Still, he planned on spending the foreseeable future hiding in the back of the briefing room.
  • Current Mood: exhausted exhausted
::sigh:: Oh, boys. Fucked-up, repressed, :)

I love Lee's self-awareness here, and how Helo's understanding of the situation comes around a bit more slowly, the interaction between the two. (Um, sorry, I'm tired...did that make sense?)

And this line:

Helo was able to give the comfort he longed to give someone else, but wasn’t able.

Very very nice summation and makes it, as you said, only half a handwave. :)

Plus, hot boys in a shower! For the win!

::uses duelling icon::
Very very nice summation and makes it, as you said, only half a handwave. :)

Thanks. :) I know I could have handwaved Sharon, but it was important for me to address her being in Helo's life and I'm glad what I came up with worked for you.

And thanks for all the other kind words. You know a struggled a bit with this. What? No comments about the potential dirty!bad!wrong! subtext? ;)
OOH good fic. Lee is so messed up. Love te interaction between the two of them and how they took some breif comfort in each other.
Plus hot guys in the shower!
Thank you! :) There were a lot of changes I made as I was writing this, but the 'Hot Guys in a Shower' was always theree. ;)
Oooh! awesome fic! You need to write slash more often if this is the result. I felt reallt bad for Lee in this fic, isolated in his grief without anyone to share it with or to offer comfort. Yes, it's partly his own fault, but that doesn't make it easier or right. And although it hadn't been Helo's intent, I'm glad he was there for Lee. Helo's got a strong sense of empathy - he wants to fix things, make them right - and as you wiselt point out the one person he most wants to help, sharon, rebuffs him again and again which has to hurt like hell. So while is the obvious recipient, he isn't the only one who gains a measure of peace from the outcome. All that *and* really hot shower sex. It just doesn't get much better than that!

Oh, Helo. I love you when you're being you!
Thank you very much. The kind words mean a lot to me, especially since I admire your writing so much. And I'm glad you got so much out of it. I'm pretty happy with the characterizations, though I had some concerns since this was the first time I wrote for Helo, but I'm never certain how much of my intent and the psychology of the characters comes through.

The sex was a bit of a struggle, putting aside pronoun troubles, I was a wee bit wordy in early drafts. I'm relieved so many people enjoyed that part. ;-)
Someone gave me this icon today. *shakes with laughter* So this fic is incredibly appropriately timed for me!!

I really really loved this piece and I'm bookmarking it, for sure. I thought your Helo voice was very good--his growing understanding of Lee. And Lee through Helo's eyes really worked. Fantastic premise as well--and the shower setting was yummy. :-)
OMG, how funny! And perfect! ;)

I'm glad you liked the premise so much. That was probably my biggest struggle and after going through a list of ideas as to how to get Lee feeling all guilty and sullen and depressed, Zak popped into my mind.

And thank you for the rec! :)
You write slash-porn? I didn't know that! (Since I don't know any of the recent tv-shows you obsess about, I didn't read previous fics). Asta writes ass-porn! I'm shocked ;) Well done though!
Hee. Thanks!

Actually, this is the first slash fic I've ever written. Well, I did write a 'Hornblower' fic, but Archie and Horatio didn't get past kissing. Here I decided to jump in and go went straight for the ass. ;)
WOW. Fantastic. That's exactly what I've been looking for for a while now. Helo, all thinky and observant, Lee tortured and angsty. And hot sex.

VERY well done. Thank you thank you thank you!
Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, but I was busy meeting one of the stars of the fic. ;)

I am *thrilled* that you enjoyed it so much. I struggled for awhile with this and you were the last person I wanted to disappoint. That you liked the characterizations and sex - YAY! :)
Haha! Porn! Dedicated to me! Seriously, though, glad I was able to offer some help.

I think the thing that impresses me most about this piece is how in-character Helo feels, especially his dialogue. Always hard to maintain that when you're pushing characterisation to odd places, especially for a second tier character like Helo, but I could really hear him talking.
You deserve porn dedicated to you. ;-)

And thanks for the kind words about the Helo-voice. Given the situation, it couldn't be 100% accurate, but I'm really glad you could still hear him in there.
Nicely done. I love that Helo's never quite sure that he's doing the right thing, or the thing Lee needs, but he's willing to try to give him a measure of peace. Plus, as the others have said, hot wet boys. Mmmmmmmmm.
I swear, all I had to do is put them in a shower and you'd all be happy. ;p But thanks muchly for the kind words. :)
This was entirely lovely. Two things really stood out to me though--Lee's exchange with Tigh (YOWCH!) and Helo's assessment of Lee's eyes. Really really good, even without that stuff everyone else mentioned that I promised myself I wouldn't. *grin*
Thank you very much! I've been working on adding in smaller character moments and observations so I really appreciate you mentioning that two of them stood out for you. :)
Finally finishing up reading all the ShAgathon fics. :)

Two bits really stood out for me in this:

Lee stepped forward, slid his hand up Helo’s chest to his neck, and pulled him down for a kiss. It was sweet and gentle and only lasted a couple of seconds. It also felt a lot like those kisses he received from exes, the ones that wanted to stay friends.


Still, he planned on spending the foreseeable future hiding in the back of the briefing room.

The first is just a total "aw..." moment and the second made me laugh out loud, but both are very appropriate and very right for these two, in my humble opinion. I would never have known that you'd never written Helo before if you hadn't told me.
Mmmm... angst AND shower!sex. Great fic, thanks for writing it!
I don't know HOW I managed to miss commenting on this one before- I think it was when I was sucking down the first Shagathon fics in great chunks and not stopping to comment in my greed. (God, that sounded very sexual, somehow.)

Leaning forward, he quietly said, “I don’t need this.” This line is so very Helo- he may want it, but he doesn't need to, and there's a difference for him.

“Hey, what we’ve been doing, it feels good and,” he looked at the bar soap and then at Lee, “I don’t like to cause pain.” Another hugely Helo moment here. Subtext, but saying what he means right out front, too.

I like this fic a lot, although WhinyLee! tends to annoy the heck out of me.

Thanks for the feedback. :) I have to admit it's odd getting a comment on such an old fic, but very much appreciated!